SPECTRA
“Do you often wish to be alone?”
I knew I should make eye contact in this setting but, as ever, didn't. “Often,” I admitted. She went on.
“Do you dislike crowds, especially those at restaurants or grocery stores?”
I cocked my head and looked toward an empty spot on the floor. “Isn't that kinda the same thing?”
“No, not exactly.”
“I do actually avoid people, when I can. I tend to get up and go out early, like to a cafe, when no one's around and then try to get home before things get busy. Then I don’t really go out after that if I don’t have to. I mean, I really have to force myself to not buy absolutely everything online and have it delivered. But I also really dislike parties and other get-togethers. You know, I often joke that I prefer the company of animals, plants, and books. I tend to say that jokingly but it's actually pretty honest. It's been that way as long as I can remember. As a little kid, if my folks had people over I would hide in the closet, behind the coats and standing in my father's boots, so no one would find me. I just didn't want to be forced to interact, especially asked questions. And I also always liked to go to bed early, even if my family was over, and just listen to people talking in the living room rather than being involved.”
“Do you–”
“...but that's not to suggest I don't like people. I do like humans, we just tend to have less in common, fewer common interests, behaviours, and habits than, well, we'd all prefer. You know?”
“Okay.”
“...I mean, you cut a lot of people out of your life if you prefer to wake up at five and go to bed by nine, don't like using the phone, and would rather not socialize in groups. And then if you don't drive a car, have a favourite sports team, or enjoy the most popular Hollywood movies, well, without even trying you make yourself more or less a social outcast.”
“Do you have a lot of friends?”
“See previous answer. No. Never have. If I think about it, I tend to have one friend at a time, kind of. I’m sorta like a serial monogamist when it comes to friends.”
“Have you ever found you have trouble with the normal give-and-take of conversation?”
“Very much so. That’s definitely my main problem with people. Crowds and strangers don't give me anxiety or anything, I just don't understand small talk. Like, how to do it. Or, like, why.”
“When speaking–”
“...also, if I do have something to say, I regularly lose people in conversation. I watch it happen, and it's pretty weird, but I can't seem to overcome that. So. Yeah.”
“What exactly do you mean?"
“Uh. I don't know how to start or stop a conversation or what's appropriate in terms of content or amount. I mean, I tend to bombard people with too much information and never a subject their interested in. I'm also inept at making eye contact or having any good back-and-forth. Yeah, that give-and-take you mentioned. This is so even while being perfectly aware of it."
“When speaking, do you tend to be louder than the situation requires or use the wrong tone?”
“Probably. Yeah, I've been told so in the past, actually.”
“In recent times or as a child?”
“Recently. Oh, even just very recently, when presenting something with a classmate, she cut me off to reframe what I was saying in a more appropriate tone. From my end it was: a look of horror on her face, her interjecting, and then our audience seeming relieved.”
“Would you say you're clumsy?”
“Yeah. Especially if I'm attempting to multitask. That said, I was always pretty good at sports and like doing painfully detailed or sensitive work that requires steadiness and coordination. So I don't know.”
“Do you think you're over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes, lights, or the way things appear?”
“Yes. Over-sensitive to sound and light. For sure. As a kid the sound of people eating made me crazy. So much so that I taught myself how to swallow silently, because I didn't want to be a source of the noise. And today I wear ear plugs often, like just when walking around town or on the bus. A lot of the acoustic environment really agitates me, makes me irritable, so I just have to cut it out. With light, I prefer to wear sunglasses almost all the time, especially on overcast days when they sky is really white and bright. I've just always disliked direct light and white light, as in a classroom or dentist office. At home I try and make all the lighting indirect whenever possible and more the temperature of candle light. Direct light feels like someone has their hand on my face. Like, stop it. Um, '...sensitive to the way things appear?' I notice a fair bit of visual stuff in a manner and to a degree that most of the folks I know don't appear to. Not better, exactly. It's more that I see things, literally see them, differently, I think. I actually sort of taught a class in visual literacy at university. I brought in photos, advertisements, and websites, just gave people the raw images, and then asked them to spot patterns and flaws in them. Nobody was able to do it. They just saw normal unproblematic images. I pointed things out like the shadow being in the wrong direction to the source of light. Or that half this image of a coral reef was a clone of the other half, not unique individual, real corals... However, their poor performance may have been a result of the lack of time and the social pressure of the classroom.”
“That was my next question, as a matter of fact: would you say you have an aptitude for recognizing patterns?”
“I'm not good a math, and so I think of myself as being poor at pattern recognition. That said, I am good at geometry, which is the visual domain, so...”
“Interesting.”
“Oh, also, back to the senses. Smell. I've got a terrible sense of smell. But how is smell tied into this?”
“Well, as a child did you ever smell random objects, like toys?”
“That's a sign? Isn't that normal exploration?”
“Sometimes. Did you do that?”
“Yes. Right now I can call to mind the smell of specific Star Wars figures and certain tools of my Dad's. That has to be normal. Right? You didn't do that?”
“Do you tend to repeat heard phrases, words, or parts of words?”
“Yes. But doesn't everyone do that? Isn't that how we learn and remember?”
“Do you find yourself resistant to change?”
“No. Well, actually, that's a hard one. Yes. I hate change but I have have gone through a ton of fairly significant change, both involuntary and voluntary, and so I'm kind of numb to it I think. And it's easier to not resist. You know?”
“Do you–”
“...there are things I dislike less than I dislike change. And if I have to change in order to avoid them then it's an easy decision to make. Does that make sense?”
“Yup. Do you have restricted interests?”
“What does that mean?”
“Do you watch the same movie or YouTube video over and over?”
“I can, but not to excess. I don't like watching the same show or movie twice but I can watch a good documentary, say, endlessly.”
“How is your level of focus?”
“Hmmm. That's interesting. I find it hard to focus at times but when I'm into something it easily goes too far.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, like, I can easily forget to eat or pee.”
“You forget? What does that mean?”
"Yeah, that's always happened to me. I can get so into something that I guess tune out the normal needs of any animal, like having to eat or drink or go to the washroom. That stuff just turns off if I'm working on something. I'll be photoshopping something or writing something or trying to paint or draw or make a song work and eight or ten hours will go by. That's not something people tell me happens to them. Like, it seems we mean something different when we talk about getting lost in an activity.”
“Okay. Do you perform repetitive behaviours like rocking or spinning?”
“Not either of those but I’ve always bounced my knee, which can annoy some people. They tend to think it’s a nervous thing, but it’s not like that at all. It’s totally subconscious. I just find myself doing it. But I do find it soothing. Is that weird? I mean, I don't recall ever noticed my siblings or parents doing that, I don't think. And it annoyed them when I did it.”
“Do you have anxiety or depression?”
“Well, doesn't everyone?”
“Well, some amount is common. It's about degrees. Have you had what would be recognized as serious anxiety, like, say, having a panic attack? And/or have you been to a counsellor or therapist, or felt you should go, as a result of feeling uncommonly or persistently sad or disinterested?”
"Yes.”
“'Yes', you've had a panic attack?”
“All of the above. And more, if I'm being honest.”
The questions kept coming for some time. We revisited a few, some several times. Eventually she stopped and rocked back in her wooden chair. The backrest creaked as it flexed. She crossed her arms at the same time she straightened her legs, crossing them at the ankles. She looked at me silently a moment. “Well,” she said, finally, “I’d say you present as having a degree of ADHD, though you manage it well. More of a challenge for you is social anxiety disorder. This is far more pronounced and disruptive for you, and I'd strongly encourage you to work with someone, if you're interested.” She paused again. “And, though this is just a preliminary examination (we could certainly delve deeper into some of these themes that are emerging, and it would be interesting to observe you going about your day), I feel I’m able to say with some confidence that, though you're reasonably high-functioning, you are firmly on the autism spectrum.”
“Right. Well, I'm okay with that. My favourite movie, Mary and Max, is a stop motion film about a little girl from Australia who gets as a pen pal an old New York Jew with Asperger's. It's the best. Both characters really speak to me.”
