THE CARDS YOU'RE DEALT

ME: Okay, just hear me out.

YOU: Fine.

ME: Harris takes the stage with Michelle Obama and Oprah. Behind them is a phalanx of lawyers that everyone in that world would recognize. They're, like, filling the whole stage. And every one of them is in their most serious tie. Kamala begins:

I stand before you this evening to concede the election to Donald J. Trump. We, myself and the Democratic Party, fought long and hard. And so very many of you were there right alongside us the whole time. We thank you for your energy and your passion. But the American people have spoken. And, of course, we all respect the democratic process and the will of the American people. However, concession is not all that we have gathered to do this evening. As all of you know, Joseph R. Biden Jr. has been deemed infirm by independent medical and legal authorities. If that wasn't enough, all of you have seen him with your own eyes, falling up and down stairs and off of bicycles and stages. And then there are all of his tragic debates and speeches where he got lost or just spiralled off into nothingness. Well, resultantly and reluctantly, as law and custom require, I, Kamala D. Harris, am hereby invoking the 25th Amendment to the Constitution. Good night, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

YOU: No. It'd never happen.

ME: But think about it. It's a legit move. And she gets to go down as all the firsts she and all her supporters hoped for. And there would be no friction coming from anyone. Anyone, that is, but maybe the Bidens.

YOU: No.

ME: And, I mean, does she need any more motivation than the realization that doing so would immediately transmute all of Trump's merch, "47", into Harris merch?

YOU: But you'd— No.

ME: Come on! That's hilarious. It would also be the most epic move. Biggest mic-drop of all time. *Boom!* Pure political judo. Like, straight out of medieval Japan or something.

YOU: No.

ME: It would be talked about for all time. In a sense she still loses the game. Sure. But not before hitting a grand slam in the 10th inning, going down in history, and winning the hearts of a nation. Come on. I mean, that would even win her Donald Trump's admiration. Wouldn't it?

YOU: No.

ME: Look, she was dealt these cards. It'd be crazy not to play them. And, I mean, there are no downsides.

YOU: No.

ME: Crazy.

YOU: No.

ME: Think about it. #BratWinter #HoesBeforeBros

YOU: No. Too far.

ME: But I've already made t-shirts. It's Harris with a big smile, in a t-shirt that reads, "I'm for late-term abortion." She's standing with her arm around a blissfully unaware Joe Biden, who is eating an ice cream and wearing a shirt emblazoned with the words, "I Support A Woman's Right To Choose".

YOU: No.